Summer
Thoughts
by John Hamilton
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm
not sure.
Turn right ... no, turn left ... no,
turn straight!
Remember: If you throw dirt, you're
losing ground.
There is no job so simple that it can
not be done wrong.
If we could just get everyone to close
their eyes and visualize world peace for
an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it
would be until
the looting started.
Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with
real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders
semi-conductors?
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least
death doesn't get worse every
year.
Flying is the second greatest experience
known to man. Landing is the
first.
Last, but not least ... Our Candidate
for “Non-Profit Venture:”
A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20
bill
on the counter and asked for change.
When the
clerk opened the cash drawer, the man
pulled a
gun and asked for all the cash in the
register,
which the clerk promptly provided. The
man
took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total
amount of
cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
dollars.
You know you’re from Western
Pennsylvania if....
- You consider an exotic vacation a
trip to the Jersey shore.
- The only spices you own are salt,
pepper and ketchup.
- You recognize and use as a
standard greeting, “Hey yunz
guys!”
- Words like hoagie, chipped ham, ox
roast and pop actually mean
something to you.
- You think the first day of deer
season is a National Holiday!
- You never use the phrase ‘to
be’....example the car needs (to
be) washed.
- You think sexy lingerie is tube
socks and flannel nightgown.
Politics As Usual
The Republican National Committee
finally released thousands of pages of
financial disclosure information, a
source claims.
"Unfortunately," he adds,
"they released them from a
third-floor balcony in New York during a
parade for the Yankees."
A life-long Democrat expressed in her
will that she wanted to be buried in
Chicago so she could remain active in
party politics.
A farmer was out working in his field
one day when a carload of Democrats came
flying by. They were going too fast for
the curve and turned over in the ditch.
Later the sheriff stopped by and asked
the farmer if he had seen the car.
"Yep" replied the farmer.
"Where are they?" asked the
sheriff. "Over there", replied
the farmer, pointing to the ditch filled
with fresh dirt. "You buried
them?" asked the sheriff.
"Were they still alive?"
Replied the farmer, "They said they
were, but you know how those people
lie."
The White House says President Clinton
will make a speech on campaign finance
reform in California. "The exact
time hasn't been announced," a news
reporter said. "Aides are still
trying to fit it in between
fund-raisers."
By the Numbers
Taken from Farm Journal Magazine
9 - the number of seconds it take a
combine to harvest enough wheat to make
70 loaves of bread
75 - the percentage of the nation’s
newspapers that are printed using soy
ink
17 - the number of additional pounds of
cheese each American eats today compared
to 1970
7 - the number of fewer gallons of milk
each American drinks today
compared to 1970
3 - the number of additional gallons of
beer each American drinks today
compared to 1970
10 - the number of fewer gallons of
coffee each American drinks today
compared to 1970
81 - the number of additional pounds of
vegetables each American eats today
compared to 1970
70 - the number of fewer eggs each
American eats today compared to 1970
3,000 - the number of cowhides needed to
supply the National Football League with
footballs for one year.
Just When You Think You’ve Heard
It All ... There's E-mail Pregnancy
Citing the case of a woman who claims
she got pregnant from e-mail, an Ohio
Democrat has called for a "chastity
chip" for the Internet.
Rep. James Traficant, known for his
flamboyant rhetoric, gave a brief House
floor speech about a woman named Frances
who claimed to have gotten pregnant
through an e-mail exchange with a person
more than 1,500 miles away. "That's
right, pregnant," he proclaimed,
warning of the dangers of
"immaculate reception.” He called
on Congress to go beyond
"v-chips" that would protect
kids from sexual content on the
Internet, saying, "It’s time for
Congress to act. The computers do not
need a v-chip. The Internet needs a
chastity chip." |
